Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Bite me again

– my bottom lip

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.

i like to flex on them by shrugging

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this