Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????