If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I love you…
…r dog.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it