If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
a god among men
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.