If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
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The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
my first day as a raccoon
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.