Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

I WON A HAM TODAY

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

accurate

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.

THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Pot warmers of the day.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.