Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.

Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete