Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

the three branches of government

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?