Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”