Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already