Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

An odd boast

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.