If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.