If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you