If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“no gods no masters” = leo
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂