If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags