Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

satan: not today, microsoft teams

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

This might be the funniest tweet ever

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.