Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE