IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round