IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
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CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
the worm is coming from inside the brain
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!