Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

“no gods no masters” = leo

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter