If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
You Might Also Like
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up