Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off

51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

ACED my prostate exam!

The real reason evolution started..😂

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?