If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
brian had himself a morning…
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes