If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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just arby’s bein’ a bro
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.