Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

I try

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.