If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
