If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
😭😭😭
