Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

LMAO

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart