@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

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@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@Jakexox

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

@LoveNLunchmeat

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

@Reverend_Scott

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol