If you can't be with the dog you love, pat the dog you're with.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

You Had One Job!

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

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