breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You Had One Job!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol