If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Weirdos gonna weird.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
🙅🏻
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.