If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Doctors texting each other.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Bring back the McRib
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it