If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
You Might Also Like
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Why soy sad?