If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
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Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time