Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

monday

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

What a chick magnet..

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

is this meant to deter me