Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

I have a new favorite meme page

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail