I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
How did we not see this back then?