Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”

Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Finally!

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Breaking news:

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Me: you got your gaming license with you?

Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt