“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.