“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
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I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it