If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.