If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
How high do the levels go?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.