If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.