If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
stop
