If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.