If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
no one ever comes back
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I feel attacked.
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i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
#Caturday
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Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.