Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

They’re called werewolves.

[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*