If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*