If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
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realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I’m confused about plants
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.