if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
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What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.