if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
My favorite farside!!
I am also baked goods
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*