if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.