if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
What.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.