Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Holy moly

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

Dude just wanted a popsicle…

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..