Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Super Hand Dog Face

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Most people: I guess balloons are ok

Me:

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!