Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

The game has officially changed 😎

(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”

– Dad Medicine 101

DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?