If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?