Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Word!

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

John: Yesterday…

Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away

George: But now it looks…

Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

I falcon love using swear birds

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets