Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

Botany good plants lately?

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still