Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught

Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.