if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
good let them take over I have had enough
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.