if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
i made a craigslist ad !
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
When ur friends with white people
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib