if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.