if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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Thursday
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you