If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Birds & Planes.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Well, this is awkward
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM