If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
bugs when you lift up a rock
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.
I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
me after eating Cheetos
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.