If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
had to make it
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker