If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Our lord and savoury.
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:
-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“I took care of your clown problem.”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?