Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you Jewish?

Me: Yup.

Them: And you’re from Toronto?

Me: Yup.

Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.

Me: Not every Jew knows each other.

Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?

Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

💀

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.