If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes