Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.