If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
me, too, girl. me, too.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.