If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.