If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Things will get butter, keep churning
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(