If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
these can’t be my only options
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest