if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
You Might Also Like
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too