Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Them: “Live in the moment!”

Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.