Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

The point of your 20s

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed