Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.

Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Gods work.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

New comic up. “Ransom”

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”